If Only It Were So Simple
by Kookykrumbs
Summary: Chiana overhears a conversation between John and Aeryn that she shouldn't have.


**Title** If Only It Were So Simple  
**Rating** PG-13 for language  
**Disclaimer** I don't own Farscape, not making money off it etc. etc.  
**Author's Notes** This takes place after John Quixote. Assume that it was John's attitude towards her in the tag that prompted Aeryn to talk to him. There are spoilers up to that episode. I never bought John's explanation to Aeryn in the tag of Twice Shy. This was the conversation they never had on the show, but I'm sure they did at some point. BTW, this has quite a bit of angst. This story's un-beta'd so all mistakes are mine.  
**Summary** Chiana overhears a conversation she shouldn't have.

Anyway, enjoy!

I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Really, I… I didn't. But…

It was the middle of the sleep cycle and I had just left the kitchen after having had something to drink. I didn't think anyone else was up and about at this arn.

As I rounded the corner to head back to my quarters, I caught a glimpse of someone entering John's quarters. I wanted to make sure the old man was ok, so I headed over there myself.

As I got closer, I was able to make out muffled whispers. I slowed down, instincts getting the best of me that I shouldn't give away my presence. I found myself tip-toeing as I closed in on the last few denches to the entrance of John's quarters. Standing there, just out of sight, I was able to make out John's raspy sleep-filled voice.

"… About what, Aeryn?"

Yeah, I thought it was her from the glimpse I got. Though I'm a little surprised she would visit him at this arn, considering the way he's been treating her lately. Not that I blame him.

"… I know it's the middle of the sleep cycle, John. But I really wanted some privacy for when I talked to you. I thought now would be as good a time as any."

Hmm… "privacy", that should have been my cue to leave… But hey, I'm only looking out for the old man. He's been hurt more than enough times by her. I don't think even she knows just how deeply she's hurt him.

"… Look, Aeryn, I'm tired and I…"

"You told me to come back when I had my story straight. I've had it straight for quite some time now, but you have not given me a chance to explain myself. You keep avoiding me and…"

"I really don't want to get into this tonight."

John let out a deep sigh. I risked taking a quick glance into his quarters. It was dark. However, from what little illumination there was, I could tell he was sitting on the edge of his bed, his head in his hands. Aeryn was kneeling next to him.

"Please, John."

I don't think I've ever heard Aeryn speak this way before. Hezmana, I don't think I've ever seen Aeryn this way before at all! The big bad Peacekeeper, on her knees, begging for any scrap of attention John might give her.

I still remember the days when she did nothing but push John away. It looks like John can give as good as he gets. It also seems like Aeryn can "dish it out" but she can't take it. Another of the old man's Erp sayings.

"Alright Aeryn, I'm listening. What is it you want to tell me?"

"I want you to know that I trust you. I think I always have. Only, I've been so hurt and confused the past few monens… I guess it was more myself that I didn't trust."

I heard John take a deep breath. I think it's more of a tactic to stall for time, and to think about how to respond to that.

"I'm still not sure what your point is, Aeryn."

"My point is that you don't have to be afraid anymore. You said to me that you couldn't trust me because you didn't believe I trusted you. Well, I'm trying to make you understand that I do trust you. We can be together, and our relationship will be based on trust."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did she really think that it was that simple? She didn't see the way he was while she was on Talyn. When she got back from Talyn she was too consumed in her own grief to see his. Does she even remember how she treated him? Most of all, she didn't see him on that dying Leviathan trying to salvage whatever was left of his sanity.

John let out a sharp bark of laughter. I couldn't help myself, I took a quick peak.

"I'm afraid it's not that easy for me, Aeryn."

I saw Aeryn flinch, and wondered if there was a deeper meaning in those words. I didn't get a chance to ponder it too long, as John continued on.

"You see, I don't believe anything you say to me anymore."

"I don't understand."

"Do you remember what I said to you in the neural cluster, so long ago? I said that I would be lost without you. Do you remember what you said to me?"

"Yes."

Aeryn's voice was barely a whisper. She was staring at the far wall, her eyes glistening with tears.

"You said to me that I would then, never be lost."

"John… I don't know what to say. I didn't know what else to do, and so I left. I know now that it was a poor decision, but it was the only one I could make, please understand."

"You broke your word to me, so easily it seems. Yet you won't tell me what happened to you the whole time you were gone. Do you have any idea how out-of-my-mind worried I was for you? All this secrecy because you promised someone you wouldn't tell."

"If I could take it back, I would! If I could, I would take back all the pain I've caused you, John."

"You might just think twice if you knew just how much pain you would have to take back."

I've never heard John this cold before, and it scares me. Frell, I'm not even the one he's talking to. As much as I believe that Aeryn deserves this, I can't help but feel for her. Maybe it was better for her when he was ignoring her.

"I love you, John. I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you if you would let me."

"Is that another promise, Aeryn? Because your promises mean very little to me now."

"John, I don't know how else…"

"Rygel said something to me while I was on Elack. He said to me that when a woman leaves you repeatedly, you should take the hint."

John snorted in laughter. A mirthless one.

"It's sad actually, that I've reached a point in my life where the best advice I've got came from Rygel!"

"You're oversimplifying it, John!"

"Whatever… once bitten, twice shy."

The saying is unfamiliar to me, another of his Erp sayings I'm sure. However, I think I get the general idea. From the look on Aeryn's face, I think she does too.

"I can't promise I would never hurt you again, John. People who love each other have that power over one another, and sometimes it happens without them even knowing. But I will never, ever leave you again willingly. You have to believe me."

"It's too late for me, Aeryn. See, I had a lot of time to think and to reflect, and one of the promises I made to myself was that I would never again put myself in a position to be so badly hurt."

Aeryn made a move to reach for John's hands, but he pulled them away and walked over to sit by his chess set. The look of shock and pain on Aeryn's face tugged at my heart. After a long silence, Aeryn spoke.

"You can keep that promise to yourself, and still be with me. It does not have to be a choice of either or! I will never leave you again."

"It hurt just as much having you here, you know. After you came back from Talyn. You wouldn't look at me, you wouldn't even acknowledge me. That hurt more than I can ever put into words, but I understood it, and just tried to be there for you. You treated me like I was just a copy, the one without the soul. But that wasn't the worst part, you see, the worst part was the look of hatred in your eyes. Hatred for me for not being the one to die!"

"That's not true! I never wished that it was you who died instead of him!"

"Bullshit, Aeryn!"

"No…"

Tears were streaming down Aeryn's face. It looked like she wanted to say more, but couldn't say the words through her tears. My heart sank for them, knowing how cruel fate has been for them both.

John wasn't the only one who was twinned. D'Argo and I were too. There's hardly been a night since that time on Kaarvok's leviathan that I hadn't wondered whether or not I'm the real Chiana. It kills me to think I might not be.

Compared to John, I'm the lucky one. My twin died instantly. Yes, John's twin died also, but not before taking the heart of the woman he loves. It's bad enough always pondering whether or not you're the "real" one, but to be treated as if you were not, the way Aeryn treated him; I can only imagine the doubts lingering in John's mind.

"Equal and original, wasn't that what Kaarvok said!"

"I don't care what he said. I've also stopped caring which one I am. I suppose it no longer matters. Chiana and D'Argo see me as me, Rygel doesn't seem to care, and you… well, I think a part of you will forever see me as the other one."

"There really is no distinction in my mind, John. Not anymore."

"Well, there is in mine. He had your love, I never did."

"You see, you're wrong about that, John. I loved John Crichton long before he was twinned."

This silenced John for a moment. I actually think the old man got stumped! Looks like he doesn't have a come-back for this one.

"Would you even be giving me a second thought now, if he hadn't died?"

I know this tactic of John's. He turns to anger when he's cornered. Though it seems this time that Aeryn's the one at a loss for words.

"Is there any point in pondering that now, John?"

I don't think I've ever seen Aeryn so dejected. I know John loves her, still does. No one can just turn their feelings off like a light switch. I know if John had a choice he wouldn't love her, not anymore. Not after everything he's been through. But I do know that the choice was never his.

Aeryn was crying freely, and the look of indifference on John's face has since turned into sadness. Sadness probably for Aeryn's pain, for his own, for the injustice of the Universe, and who knows what else.

After what seemed like forever, John slowly got up and knelt beside Aeryn. He placed his hand on her back. This surprised me, yet it didn't. It was a glimpse of the feelings I knew he still held for her. He whispered so softly that I almost couldn't hear.

"I am so sorry that you lost him, Aeryn. I know what it's like to watch the love of your life die right before your eyes. If I could give him back to you I would…"

"John, it's you that I…"

"Shh… let me finish. I'm not angry at you, not anymore. I don't think so. And I suppose I understand why you did the things you did. In all fairness to you, I might have done the same thing in your position. This, what's happened between us wasn't your fault. But it wasn't my fault either."

He got up and walked slowly towards the door. I quickly took a couple of steps back to make sure he doesn't see me. I realize that he's making a gesture to Aeryn as if to say, this conversation is over.

"I know he died a hero Aeryn, and I know he did what was right. But I am tired of paying for the consequences of his decision. I'm just… tired."

I agree that John did suffer for the other one's decision. The other John died a hero, in the arms of the woman he loved. This John, I'm sure is thinking he would never be able to compete with that.

"So where does this leave us?"

"I love you, Aeryn. I always will. But my love wasn't enough then, I have no reason to believe it should be enough now."

"I'm so sorry, John."

I had a feeling that the conversation was pretty much over. I quietly made my way to my quarters, knowing if I hadn't I would've been discovered for my eavesdropping. And yes, I admit it, I was eavesdropping.

I wish I could have heard the end of their talk. A part of me has always held a kind of resentment towards Aeryn since she left for Talyn. But after seeing her, and the depth of her pain, I can't bring myself to feel that way anymore. I can only hope that she doesn't give up, and knowing her, I have a feeling she won't.


End file.
